Eighteen months ago I was at my low point as a pastor. You couldn't have looked at me and known that at the time, probably, but there was a storm stirring in me.
During the previous summer, I had read a really harmless-looking little orange book called
Radical, and it had intensified every area of my life as a Christ-follower. I made some, well, radical changes to my own life, and I led my small group through a study of the book over the next few months -- with mixed response. Most of them revved up their walk with Christ...for a few months. Some continue to pursue Him with passion today. I don't think it was as paradigm-shattering to anyone else as it was to me, though. Looking back, I know I pushed too hard and much to quickly for my group members to "get" what I had "gotten." I probably also gave too much credit to the little orange book and not enough to the Holy Spirit of God that was burning inside of me and that had burned inside of
David Platt as he wrote it.
Fast forward through the first couple of months of 2011. I was spending a few days of spiritual refreshing at my parents' cabin, as is my habit to do most every spring. This time, I was spending a couple of days at a conference in Hattiesburg. On February 28, 2011, I watched pastor after pastor take the stage and preach some of the most powerful, Gospel-centered messages I had ever heard. And yet, this was my low point in ministry.
Over My Head
Several speakers into the conference, it began to occur to me that I was in way over my head; these guys had strings of initials after their names as long as my arm. (The only initials I have after my name are B.S - draw your own conclusions.) Each of them seemed to be a pastor, author, professor, advocate of some world-changing cause, etc., etc. And here's the kicker:
they were all much younger than me!
Here I was, 44 years old at the time, with my heart pounding to make a difference in this world for the kingdom of God but with seemingly no outlets. I went back to mom and dad's cabin that night with a very heavy heart, considering my wasted life. Why didn't God call me to ministry sooner? Sixteen years as a high school baseball coach -- did I really even make a difference? Were all the other years for naught? And how much difference was I making now, even after a call to the ministry? All these were questions I threw up to God during the night of February 28, 2011.
And then, on Day 2...
God responded.
Russell Moore, in his message on
Colossians 2:16-23, made a couple of statements that the Holy Spirit used to interrupt my self-absorbed melancholy. Here is what I wrote:
- "The only thing that can kill what is killing you is the gospel of Jesus Christ."
- "Why would I allow myself to be judged or disqualified by some idea of what my life and ministry should look like when I am a part of a living being in the body of Christ?"
That word
disqualified hit me right where I was. That's exactly what I felt. My eyes were on the other parts of the body of Christ and not on the head, Christ Himself. I was starting to get what God was saying to me, but He had an exclamation point for me in the next message from
Tyler Jones:
- "Coveting robs me of the joy of being who God made me to be."
This was one of those statements that made me do a double-take. Looking around, I wondered if everyone else got that like I did. No, apparently not. Apparently, that was just for me. I had done what I always tend to do: Identify the the issue and begin to deal with it. God was telling me to acknowledge my situation for what it was,
the sin of coveting my neighbor's influence. Before I could move ahead, God wanted me to call my covetousness what is was: sin, an offense against Him.
I don't know about you, but I don't particularly like a fault in my life being pointed out starkly as sin. But there it was. That wasn't the low point, though, because God was now speaking to me. It wasn't pleasant, but it was God. He was calling me back to my first love, Jesus Christ, and focusing my eyes on the opportunities, small though they may have seemed at the time, that I had right in front of me.
I had two more opportunities to speak to the kids in our church's AWANA program on the grand story of redemption throughout Scripture. I had my weekly meetings with my discipleship partner. It didn't seem like much influence at the time, but in reading back through my journal, I am reminded that 12 third- and fourth-graders gave their lives to Christ on March 9, 2011, and that two ladies led people to Christ for the first time that night (not the last for either of them). And now, I am joining my discipleship partner on a mission trip to Haiti next month as he continues to pursue God in bigger and bigger ways in his life.
Conception
And then there was one more inconspicuous little nugget from March 5, 2011. I found it tucked into a long list of things I was asking God for his heart about on behalf of our church: "I pray that You would open our eyes to feel the same about...orphans as You do...." And thus began my journey into God's heart for the orphan. I suppose that 4theVoicless was conceived that morning in that prayer. And because of what we know about God's heart for the orphan and because we as the church are God's hands and feet in this world, we fully expect to change the world.
Thanks for reading. Now fix your eyes firmly on Jesus and change the world yourself.
Al
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